Little Myriad Smiles

Posts Tagged ‘Life


Posted on: June 7, 2012

I don’t know what is happening to me today. I feel good in a lonely way; feels like eluding everyone and hugging myself. I am even writing after a long time and decided to post it without reviewing, giving a damn as to what people are gonna judge about me. I am done being conscious of my surroundings to the extent of losing myself in the process… I am done being nice to people when they don’t deserve it. Some brand me heartless; I laugh at them and wish that they would identify the real them that hides behind the outer facade.

Don’t know why, but I woke up early which is so not me- snuggled under the blanket and thought about nothing, then some things and again back to nothingness. It is amazing- the way your mind can take you into realms you never knew existed inside you.

The weather is awesome. The coldness is piercing through my skin mercilessly and I am loving every bit of it. I do nothing to ward it off… I just let it crawl inside me. Maybe, this is a way of letting go of my inhibitions, fears and people.

I was watching Dhobi Ghat a little while ago. The two elements that the movie showcased, the endless seas and the incessant rain, flooded my mind with memories and of course, my twin sister- my thoughts .I find a connection between me and them- a bond so inexplicable right from childhood and grew so strong that they can give me the peace and sense of mind that makes me sane, connected to the world yet so disconnected from everything.But I know that however hard I try to express those thoughts or try to explain what memories can do to me, I will never be able to do so- those nostalgic memories and myriad sensible, nonsensical thoughts will always remain intact within me, safe and sound accentuating my favorite curve-my smile.

I know I make sense to some out there- very few who shares my thoughts and my wavelength. To the rest of you, this post might sound dark, cold and dull. And hell no, I am not going through any sort of depression. I am in fact happy and at peace with myself. I made such a distasteful maggi, that I realized you can even screw up in just two minutes. But I just smile and grins at life- bring it on!


As the first rays of the golden sun kissed her eyes she felt a bliss that she had never known. Renée was never a first light person. But on that day she was wide awake at 6 0’ clock in the morning… a day she felt ushered in some inexplicable joy that she just couldn’t place her fingers on 🙂

He called her then. She felt sad. She had to let him go. Been best friends for quite a long time now but he just couldn’t see her like that any more. On her part, she didn’t feel anything else. Infatuation, crushes and love were all feelings alien to her. His growing feelings were becoming more manifested day by day. She has told him umpteen times that she isn’t into it and to remain friends. But he just couldn’t take it that way. So she had to end the friendship that day. No other go. She had to do it for the best of them.

Suddenly the day didn’t seem so bright. All the smiles that she woke up with suddenly waned and were replaced with a sinking heart. But she knew she had to do it. Never a person to be spending more than five minutes before the mirror, that day she took extra pains to stand before the mirror to make her look bad. Messed up her already messed up hair, tied it into a loose pony tail, left the kaajal that she always adorned herself with and picked up her least favourite dress from her wardrobe. And she was ready.

“This is insane”, Renée reminded herself. She doesn’t need to do this. All that is required is to call him up and tell him that she is not ready to be committed to him. It would disappoint him but sooner or later, he would grow out of it. Of this, she was sure. But there was this voice inside her that kept on pushing her and for once she succumbed to it.

Rushing out of the tuition class, she hailed a cab and ran to Café Couch. She saw him as she crossed the road. For the first time in her life, she noticed that he is handsome. In his white tees, low-waist jeans and his hallmark white cap, he looked all macho! Cursing herself for thinking along these lines, she went near him and said a casual ‘hi’. The awkwardness in the air was so pronounced that she felt that this isn’t them.

Settling down in a not-so-comfortable couch as the guy behind the counter was eyeing at her in a not-so-good manner, she started on what she had rehearsed. But before she could complete a sentence, he took her hands in his. ‘Whoa!’…the feeling was nothing like she has felt before. She didn’t want to let go of that hands…warm big hands against her cold small hands. As he entwined his fingers around hers with a firm but gentle grip, she suddenly realized that she will never be able to let go of him.

Always a person to be thinking from her head and ignoring her heart, she proceeded on why they shouldn’t get together. She kept on going and he listened without protest but his eyes said it all. The honesty of what he felt mirrored in his eyes, the very eyes that she loved so much. She tried her best to ignore his eyes and her palpitating heart.

It was time to go. His face sported a wearied given-up look. Her heart melted to see him like this. She cursed herself for being callous. But her little grey cells kept on telling her she had to do it. He paid the bill. Suddenly, amazing herself and him, she blew a flying kiss at him and ran out smiling 🙂 She couldn’t believe she did that. The romantic side of her bewildered her otherwise tomboyish self.

She saw him coming towards her, baffled but smiling, caught hold of her and gave a gentle kiss on her forehead. And at that moment, she knew that she has found her man…one person who could bring out the feminine side of her… who taught her the real world and made her strong…who made her realize who she is…respected, trusted and understood her more than anybody else.

Renée saw him as she traveled in the cab back home, sitting on the steps some distance away with a phone on his hand, talking and smiling away. She waved at him smiling. These smiles were those that defined their lives…those that brought about myriad memories to cherish lifelong 🙂

No, she’s not my grandmother. She’s somebody I met in a local train…somebody who changed my perspective… somebody who made me appreciate life. I never even got to say goodbye to her. But she did certainly etch a place for her in my heart! 🙂

It’s 10 o’ clock. Two kilometers away, the train is all ready to set its journey and we are stuck in the traffic. I was damn sure we would miss it. Amma was nearly on the verge of tears and Raji, my sis was…er, I guess I didn’t look at her. I was staring at the seaming crowd coolly. First of all it’s not my cat exam (grins).Second; there are plenty of options if you ask me to reach Calicut even if you miss one train. You can always call a taxi, give him a few extra tips to fantasize himself as a F1 driver and catch the train in the next station(a little bit of exaggeration, I admit!). Not that I was much interested in accompanying her to her cat exam. It was just that the thought of Kozhikode biriyani and halwa allured me a bit too much and as usual my parents clubbed it with a pilgrimage to Guruvayur .The only thing that bugged me is to how to kill time once we are in the train.

Yippee!!! The train was late and we got it. But it was full of snooty crowd and added to it I didn’t get a window seat. Swallowing all the cuss words, I went around in search of a seat. After settling down, I tried texting all my friends and only one bothered to reply me. We chatted for quite a bit and he also left. Left with nothing else to do, I took out my copy of Tagore’s Gora and started reading.

Somebody was smiling at me. I could see that out of the corner of my eye. Slowly, I lowered the book and my eyes met hers. My first thought was, “Whoa! Cool”. Having so used to seeing aged people either too weak or sullen and dull, the grandmother I met that day was a pleasant surprise. She might be in her late sixties, looking all smart and ‘chic’ in her capris and tee. Smiling, she asked me whether I read Tagore’s books. Expecting that she’s into his books and all, I shyfully admitted I haven’t read any other book by the author. With a naughty grin, she told me that all she read in her teens were Mills and Boons. Oh boy! I was so surprised! 😀 And so began the inspiring story of my new-found granny 🙂

Born in the pre-independence era, she hardly got any education. College was a word alien to her. By the time India got her independence she was married. Then like any other Indian housewife, she was busy with her household chores. But after the demise of her husband and the children got settled, she started a play school. That was the turning point in her life. Here was a woman who didn’t feel the need to shut herself in a room and vile away the remaining years of her life as a mere widow. She chose to stand on her feet, live her life and not just exist. Added to it she started traveling a lot. The gleam that played in her eyes while she was recounting her itineraries couldn’t help but bring a smile on my face. There she was…a free bird, spreading out her wings and flying wherever her wings could carry her…gleeing joyfully…smiling playfully…living life!!! 🙂

For me SHE is woman. The courage to go out and meet the world…a woman of strength, substance and beauty…not defied and diminished by her age or milieu. I couldn’t say a goodbye to her because she was sleeping peacefully, but granny you will always be special 🙂

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